I just did something I have not done in ages! I ordered several anime related stuff. Mostly D.Gray-man and Kateikyoushi Hitman Reborn. A Kanda towel, a coffe mug with Kanda, Allen and Lavi on it, a Yamamoto clear file among others. There were no Tyki Mikki things nor Zoro from One Piece but I sure hope there will be soon!
For a year now I have spent all my money on my bjds. It felt really good to buy something for me to decorate this apartment with. ^^

Once again I surprised myself by the emotional reaction I had when finding the Kanda towel. I sighed his name out loud and felt that tingling feeling in my eyes which I always feel when I am about to cry.
I don't think about D.Gray-man daily, but every once and again something reminds me of it and I often find myself crying because of it. It is the same weird reaction I have when thinking about Juuni Kokki. Why is that? They are not tears of anger or sorrow but there is this yearning feeling which I cannot place.

As I sit here now listening to anime music that I have accumulated over the years I realize how much I have felt and experienced from simply sitting in front of my computer.
If the purpose for living is to experience contrast and give birth to new ideas and wishes... I believe I found the best way to do so from when I was just a small child. I was not past my fifth birthday when I started watching anime.

There are really things happening inside of me right now. Memories being restored and feelings sorted out. Like a defragmentation of my mind. It is easy for me to recognize what is important to me, what means most to me.

Only a couple of weeks ago I could not stand being alone. I wanted company all the time. Now I am not bothered by my solitude at all.
I feel rich because I have so many colourful ideas, memories and fantasies inside of me.

And I am back again. This time it did not take me almost a year before I posted again. ^^

Today I went to the cinema and watched the new animated film "Coraline". It was absolutely awesome! I loved it! As I watched it I could feel my creative nerves getting tickled. I am pretty sure though that my friend was not as impressed by it as I were. A wild guess is that "doll animated" films about little girls and secret worlds is not his cup of tea. The whole "Alice in Wonderland" theme is however a big favourite of mine! Like "Pan's Labyrinth". They make me feel like a child all over again. And for a couple of hours I remember how to see the world through my childhood eyes.

I know my brother will love this film too! I almost regret not waiting to watch it with him instead of with my unimpressed friend. But regret is such a waste of emotion so I just might watch it again and this time with a much closer soulmate with whom I can communicate my feelings about "Coraline" a lot easier.
Even though you do not speak while watching a film at the cinemas it still matters who your company is. I am one of those people who love to go to the cinema by myself. It does not bother me at all. On the contrary I even prefer it sometimes. But if you do bring a friend it it nicer if it is one with whom you can chat about the film afterwards.

I am a bit restless this evening. Should I go out for a walk? It is really cool outside and the breeze from the window feels nice and smell lovely. I wished I had my dear friend Caroline to take a walk with me. I think my mind is in need of company tonight. It feels a bit mushy and wanders off too easily. I am confident though that I have reached a new level of conciousness and it is easier for me to keep my focus on good things. ^^

Speaking about good things... It has almost past a week since I ordered my DSAM 35s body for Ryou! It says on Dollstowns site that in stock items will ship out in about 1-2 weeks. Yeay!! I am so eager to receive it!

Love!

I was amazed to discover the amount of time that has passed since I last wrote an entry here. Amazed, amused and a bit overwhelmed.
When I last posted I had my first bjd still with me. He is here no longer. Unfortunately I sold him too quickly, thinking he did not fit in with the rest of my resin gang. I say unfortunately because I now, older and wiser, feel that I was too hasty with my decision to part with him. Still to this day, over a year later, I regret it and I still see him as mine. But my heart aches when I think about it so lets not get all emo about something that is in the past. ^^

I now live with five wonderful boys! The tallest of the bunch is going to "grow" even taller very soon. I just ordered a new Dollshe DSAM 35s body for my Dollmore Model man to make a hybrid. I will keep my Model Huey Lewis head and put it on the DSAM.
When I woke up this morning I found a message on Dollstown that confirmed that they had received my payment and that everything was in order. YEAY!

I am taking a break from my wig searching. I want a dark green wig for Seiji and a light silver for Ryou. Would it not be just perfect if I could just find them both in the same place? I also need a S-hook for Ryou when his new and improved body arrives.

I am trying to decide what to priorities between new hands with long nails for Seiji or a new wig...
It sounds as if I only buy stuff for Ryou and Seiji ha, ha! But that is not true. I have already ordered a new wig and also new shoes for Haku and Gunvald just got his and Susumu... well Susumu has got more wigs than all the others put together. ^^'

When I am done with this little break I will continue to work on my interpretation of "The Fool" (Tarot) for my brother. He will use it on his My Space when launching his new music.
The wig searching will simply have to wait until tomorrow.

Life is unfolding neatly. Quite extraordinary when looking back, only as far back as a year, and discover the transformation one has gone through. Funnily enough though it sometimes feels to me as if I stood quite still during last year and I am now closer to the flow I had two years prior. That perhaps is not so unlikely when you take into account that we are now in what the Mayan calendar recognizes as a "Day" just as we where 2007.

But what I did learn during 2008 though was to appreciate what I have now. *lol*
Of course I had no idea then that it would become this good but I had my hopes up that I somehow would manage to accumulate enough positive vibes to attract something better. And surprisingly I did!
This new home in which I have lived now for approximately nine months is still a work in progress and the wallpapers are not the prettiest perhaps but I absolutely love living here!
It is comfortable, quiet and filled with calm and positive energy.

Well... time for me to continue on the art commission for my dear brother. ^^

You Are Milk Pocky

Your attitude: caring and charming Smooth and silkly... invigorating and natural. You are like comfort food for the soul.

Hm... not that I eat Pocky but I would have liked something darker. Milk chocolate is blaha blaha to me. XD Ha, ha!
Really really dark chocolate Pocky with chili... now THAT would have been something! *_*

I have been kind of absent for a long time now. Sorry about that! Usually even if I do not post anything I am a heavy lurker on LJ but the last few months I have not even been that.
I have been exactly that on Den of Angels on the other hand. XP
Not the type to write a lot or post new threads. I like reading what other people say and look at their pretty pictures of themselves or their dolls.
Since I have not got a scanner nor a camera right now I feel kind of "naked" posting anything when I am unable to share pictures.

I spend my days sewing most of the time or listening to music. I have not drawn for several weeks. O_o
I think about it and feel excited but when I actually sit down with my paper and pencils I simply loose interest. Usually end up sewing instead or caring for Alba (my pretty kid delf Ani boy) in some other way. Sometimes I just sit with him on my lap and stare at him and stroke his hair. Amazed by the fact that he is really here. He is real.

***Pffffffft! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!***
Actually sounds a bit like me or one of my characters. Though I only have lovers in my own private universe. ^^

You're Pale Fire!

by Vladimir Nabokov

You're really into poetry and the interpretation thereof. Along the
road of life, you have had several identity crises which make it very unclear who you
are, let alone how to interpret poetry. You probably came from a foreign country, but
then again you seem foreign to everyone in ways unrelated to immigration. Most people
think you're quite funny, but maybe you're just sick. Talking to you ends up being much
like playing a round of the popular board game Clue.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Yup... sounds about right.

I am really sorry for being absent so long! ^^
Just a short note though, I really need to ZZzzzz unfortunately... it is half past six in the morning already and I have not even gone to bed yet. O_o
BUT I just had to stop by for a quickie to brag about the order I just placed. *grin*

1 DVD ENDS
1 DVD Sofuto Baree
1 CD Single (Merchendiver) Sofuto Baree
1 CD Single (Smashing the Sun) Sofuto Baree

YAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!!!


For the love of God... please hurry home to me!

Endo... I need you desperatly now, so please hurry!

...älskar dig...

Yesterday I was asked by a acquaintance on the internet if I could help her find pictures of Endo. My heart suddenly felt cold. Then she added that actually any japanese would do...
my heart then reached subzero.
Angered I told her that if Endo had any value to her at all she would look for pictures of him herself. But if any japanese would do she could just as well lay off "my" man. She would not even know he existed if it were not for ME!!
(Of course I did not mean that I own him in any way. I actually meant that for me, in my life, he is THE man. He is the one glowing the brightest for me. He is... my man. You get that right?)
Later she told me that everything had worked out fine. She had found a picture of him from when he was in Soft Ballet and that was the only Endo she was interested in anyway. By then I was trembling from, what I thought was, suppressed fury.

I have come to realize that the feelings I experienced had nothing to do with her or even with Endo. They all sprung out of fear and insecurity about myself.
The frustration was not caused by the fact that she was shallow, immature or showing lack of respect for Endo. There is nothing to suggest that any of that is true to begin with.
Maybe that was the impression I got, but who am I to decide what is true? Why should I judge someone based on that?
It was even a 10 year younger person whom was seeking help from me!
She was showing her admiration and respect for me by humbly asking for my advice and assistance. I returned that wonderful gesture with suspicion and jealousy.

If she wanted to use a picture of him for one of her projects, (she was working on a webpage at that time I think) if I really cared about him without any negative energy attached, I should have encouraged her to do so! So what if she does not find him as good looking now as back in SB? She has never implied anything else. He is just someone she, in certain pictures, thinks look attractive.

The real reason why I snapped at her was because I still lack confidence in myself. I actually feared that she would use a picture of him without giving me any credit for it. I wanted her to write in big bold letters that I was the one who introduced her to this wonderful man. But because I was quite sure that she would not include me I tried to act superior. In an attempt to hide my weakness I patronized her but just enough to hopefully plant little seeds of insecurity into her mind. That was my rightful revenge I thought.
That is just absurd!!! Don't you think?
My fear of being left out or forgotten made me behave in that pathetic way. I actually wanted credit for Endo!

My feelings for him are special. They are unique in that way that they have changed me so drastically. But they are neither more nor less special than any other persons feelings. We are all worth the same. We are all beautiful in our own way. We all deserve to be treated with respect and love!
But it is not until we have learned to love ourselves enough that we actually do not need acknowledgment from anyone else... not until then are we ready to give and receive true love.

I am not disappointed in myself though. On the contrary! I have grown and matured enough to recognize my own fears and weaknesses. I am so proud of this man that I am becoming! If I ever come across a similar situation again I will be better prepared. I will be able to tell myself that I am already loved and recognized and do not need anyone else to confirm this.

Regarding Ryoichi Endo I will not try to take credit for his beauty or for the creative work he has done again.
For me he becomes more beautiful each passing year and his music keep changing and evolving the same graceful way. I will appreciate and love him for that but I will do it for the noble reason that it gives me joy!

LOVE & PEACE!

I have returned from my trip to Borås. I spend many lovely days there. We went shopping and ghost-hunting among other things.
But mostly we were just sitting in Sara and her boyfriend's kitchen, talking about all and nothing.

( rant about the trip etc )


I returned here on Monday and Sara came with me. I am happy that she is a patient lady for I have been in a very weird mood. I cannot explain it myself. It is like I am filled with this nervous and anxious energy. I feel like I am about to burst into tears any second but I do not have any tears to shed.
There is probably a big life change approaching. Perhaps there is more coming than just me starting studying again. I got accepted to the university I had applied for and I start studying japanese this fall.

( depressive ranting )

I do not know what you have set in motion but the spirits are answering to your calling. When I needed comfort the most they gave me a sign to aid me. The sign spoke of your birth to this life.

Since I heard your voice for the first time my life has accelerated. My goal of solving the mysteries of this Universe as well as to unlock the seal of my hidden past do not seem so far off now.
The powers behind the Tarot spoke of lovers and of painful decisions forced to be made under unknown circumstances.
I do not know what actions I might have taken but they still haunt me, hundreds of years later. If you indeed were my lover I do hope I did not cause you any pain. But if so... I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

When we meet again the world has changed and the times are different but even so, will you recognize me? Star-brother will you embrace me?

Carefully I am eying you from a distance. Curious and timid. Helplessly drawn to you I cannot walk away.
In wide circles I start to contemplate. With suspicion watching every move you make. Like a thrilling mix between a hunter and an art explorer.
In a heart-throbbing spiral I move closer and closer, now terrified.

Who are you?
What are you?

It is to late to turn back now. My eyes flood with tears as I see your face from a closer distance. I shake my head with despair and cry out.

"No, no, no! Please no!"

Short of breath I choke on my own feelings. My body twitching and squirming trying to get out of this enchanting snare.
With gasping desperation I plead once more.

"No.... please! Do not break me..."

In all your splendor you raise your head and meet my eye. With the innocence of a child you smile as I tremble before you.
Still with chills running down my spine I let down my guard.

Like the devil in disguise, you smirk. Lush lips uncovering glossy teeth.
I close my eyes in defeat, knowing I got close too fast.
You lean even closer. Our foreheads barely brushing against each other. Then taking a deep breath you scream right into my face.

"I'M SPAAA AA AA AACE!! YOU'RE SPACE TOOOOO!!!"


. . .

I am SO HIGH on adrenalin right now! I am ECSTATIC!! I did it! I fucking went and did it! I bought the album I wanted! Perhaps not such a big deal some might say... but to me it is! For several reasons.
For one it is the first album I have bought in ages! Second it will be my FIRST Soft Ballet album! ;___; I am so happy I could cry! Third it was almost insultingly cheap. So... I bought a single as well while I was already at it. XD KYAAA!!!

Kou is a very very very happy little faggot right now! I will soon be holding an album in my hands... and album that contains Ryoichi Endo's voice on it. His voice which is singing the very words that he himself has written. It will be like holding a small part of his soul.
I will hunt down every fucking album and single until I own EVERYTHING with Soft Ballet and Endo! Just like I am collecting everything with Gackt-sama. There are three artists I feel like that about. Gackt, Endo and Susumu Hirasawa.

Unfortunate for me Ryoichi Endo and Susumu Hirasawa are DAMN hard to get a hold of when living in Scandinavia. There are limits even to the internet. I have been lucky to find the things that I have. But God Father and God Mother... do I loooong to visit music stores in Japan!! I do not only want music, live footage and videos. I also want posters, wallpapers, photobooks, pins, t-shirt...etc...etc.
I want to go to concerts!!!

I will probably not get the chance to see Soft Ballet together again BUT I will see ENDS! I may not be quite as thrilled about Endo's music now but it is still him. His voice and his words.

Aaaah...I am so happy.
Time for me to watch some more SB videos on youtube... and try not to burst into tears every time there is a close up on Endo. -_-'

I am up again! ^^ Well sort of... I think... O_o
There is really no way of monitoring my mood swings since they do not seem to be triggered by anything special. Even I do not know why I loose my will to live sometimes. I do not live day by day but rather hour by hour. I cannot possibly know how I will feel a few moments from now but I think and hope that I will not fall back in to the pit. Not tonight at least.

One thing that keeps me from falling in to total oblivion when I am down is entering the wondrous world of the Kurotsukis'. They are characters of mine. Whenever I feel really angry or sad I run to them to be comforted.
I engage myself in the revengeful spirit of Phoenix or the murderous power of Rieru. I walk in Prince Alba's beautiful garden that the King build for him. Or I fly through dark forests carried by the wings of Corax. This is my tormented refuge where I can ventilate all my frustration and anger.
This world keeps me from loosing myself entirely, but it cannot lift me up to a higher level. When I am there I have no chance of leaving. The only exit leads to the ordinary world and my hopeless mind and suffering.

When I occasionally feel high in spirit and actually am happy to be alive and have hopes for the future I meet some other characters in my dream land. These are the characters I often call my first born sons. Shou and Nihmo.
This evening I found myself in familiar surroundings when I closed my eyes and I saw the sad but kind eyes of Nihmo and the brilliant smile of Shou. I knew I was feeling better when I got to meet them again.
I was blessed with new wonderful stories that they shared with me. I searched through my cd collection and took out an old soundtrack that I had not listened to in what must be years now. I sat there with my eyes closed watching scenes with Shou and Nihmo inside my head while listening to my Yami no Matsuei soundtrack. Aaah... such nostalgic songs and tunes. My heart feels warm tonight.

Yesterday I felt something I never thought I would feel again.
I was sitting at the computer sorting pictures, defragmenting and things like that and I was silently humming the tune of Shima Uta that I have heard Gackt perform. But after just a few notes my voice broke and I realized I was crying. I was overpowered by a feeling inside my chest so strong that I almost could not breath. For a nanosecond my voice sounded like his. I cried not because of that fact but because it was His voice I heard in my mind. His voice and the essence of his soul had for the first time in years reached my mind.
I have cried during these years of absence. I have cried because I missed him and because I missed the time when I was feeling so strongly about everything. When I was hopeful and full of life and determination. But I have not cried during these years because of an overpowering feeling of love for him.
Yesterday I did...

I turned around and looked at one of my pictures of him and I smiled through my tears. I could not say anything but his name. I laughed and wept at the same time and my heart was as light as a feather. Every cell in my body felt like it was vibrating of pure joy and gratefulness.

I feel so blessed to be able to have these feelings again! I am so incredibly grateful! I want to thank my spiritual guide and my spiritual teacher! I want to thank all the powers from the Other Side that helps me! I want to thank The God and the Goddess for their everlasting love and support! I want to thank Gaia for letting me be a part of its wonderful energy and celestial body! I want to thank all the souls from the Other Side that have known me while they were alive! I want to thank Gary and Linda for their wisdom! Without them all I would not have made it though my life! Thank you so very much!

I want to thank you Gackt-sama! Thank you for working so hard! Thank you for sharing your beautiful voice and music with the world!

I hope all of these souls and powers of the universe feel the grateful love and joy that I am sending out to them!

To all of my friends and acquaintances I just want to ask you all to be careful about yourselves and the ones that you love! Thank you for your friendship and support! I wish you all a blessed and wonderful day!

Love!

I have indeed been a busy little bee the last two days... or should I say nights?
Since I am moving on Tuesday I have been packing and cleaning like a maniac. Where the hell did all that stuff come from??? Is it really aaaall mine? And for crying out loud Kou, get yourself more organized in the next apartment!!! I need specific places to put important papers and a place for tools and for cleaning things and such. At my current place I have had all those different items randomly spread in drawers, in the closet and on tables and... geesh EVERYWHERE!
I am trying to at least organize them a bit now before putting them in to the boxes so that it will be easier when I arrive at my new place.
My new place... aaaaah, how sweet that sounds!
Mom was here and helped me with the kitchen. We were suppose to do that tomorrow but my dear mother is hyperstressed about this and wants to get everything ready today! NOW! Yesterday if possible!
After the Eurovision Song Contest tonight I will pack some of the last stuff and clean a bit more. I have not slept enough really... (as usual) but I feel good! I had a great dream last night and perhaps that is what has kept me up and alert. I had an erotic dream about Charlie from the series Numb3rs. Oh, yeah... he is totally my type. The dark hair, the brown eyes and that gorgeous nose of his! Yup... did not surprise me at all... or actually it did surprise me a bit because I usually do not dream about people I see during the day. I dream mostly about my past and about animals. But sometimes, very seldom I dream about sex and about people I know.
I will not get in to any details because for some reason it felt really private but I can tell you that that boy sure knows how to kiss! *^_^*

Well... I am off to cleaning my toilette. Yeay... uhm.

Or should I say... me and the other geeks?